


Sincerely, Connor

by sadravioliman



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Characters will be added as they appear - Freeform, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Not Beta Read, POV Third Person, Polyamory, Role Reversal, alert me of typos pwease uwu, and its mostly just ev and con who get swapped, attempted suicide but he gets caught before he can even get there, but i still felt it was necassary, but it focuses on connor, but only a few bits are swapped, other category section things will aslo be added as the story progresses, sincerely three, slightly ooc?, so not entirey role reversal, the only relationship mentioned so far is evan/jared
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-17 20:59:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17567840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadravioliman/pseuds/sadravioliman
Summary: Dear Evan Hansen, but it's Connor writing the letters to himself. Jared & Evan are in a relationship, and Connor is in love with the both of them.Or, the DEH musical if it took an entirely different turn.





	1. One

_'Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_Today is going to be a good day and here is why:'_

The letter stopped abruptly, the first sentenced still unfinished. How was today going to be different, better, when all the letters he'd wrote to himself were lies before this? His therapist said they'd help, his mom said they'd help, his dad...  
His dad didn't care. But these were supposed to be helping him, make him see things in a positive light. Instead they just made him realize how much worse things were.

Connor wondered if he'd ever be free from the depressive episodes, the constant anger, the pain. He was probably the reason his parents fought. He tried to reason with himself, remind himself that they were never happy together. It didn't stop him from wondering who would miss him if he disappeared. He felt something wet on his cheeks, and realized he was crying. He mentally cursed himself, attempting to dry his face before the stains made themselves known.

Finishing the remains of his tears, he stared down at the keyboard. He had to write it, it was a damned assignment from his therapist. He gave up trying to pretend everything was fine and dandy, because dreaming of that reality hurt him so much more.  
Connor deleted the letter, and started over again.

 _'Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_I know, because there's Jared, and Evan, and all my hope is pinned on them, who I don't even know, and don't know me. Maybe if I could just ask to talk to them. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._

_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_  
_Sincerely,_  
_Your most best, and dearest friend, Me'_

       Connor printed the letter, and stood up to reach for it, interrupted when Evan walked in and grabbed it. He grabbed it, and Connor froze. He felt himself trying to shut down, trying to die in that room, as Evan's eyes went through the paper, scanning every little letter, every bit of punctuation. Connor felt like the world splitting apart in his direct spot would probably be the best coincidence he's ever had.

       As soon as Evan looked up back at him, the most shocked and confused he's ever been seen, Connor prepared himself to bolt through the door. Evan started freaking out, and Connor felt his eyes and nose sting. Evan gave a final glance in Connor’s direction, and bolted through the door, note still in hand.

       Connor stood there, shocked, still trying to breathe. He was a freak, of course he'd never be with them. He sniffled, wiping his nose and eyes with his sleeve. He'd be lucky if they weren't already puffy. Maybe he could play it off as being high. The whole school knew he was a pothead anyways, what would they have to question? Oh, maybe the permanent tear streaks that decided they made him look good? The constant sniffling? The fact that even if he tried, he'd still look hurt? It's probably a better idea to skip school and do what everyone's been waiting for the freak to do.

       Connor jolted throuhg the computer room, his bag and sweater flowing through the air and occasionally wacking him. He could care less, however, because Goddamnit this was finally happening. The event he'd been edging on for months was finally confirmed, he'd planned for so long. He tried to remember where the rope was, then panickedover whether or not someone had found it and taken it. But his mom was at work and his dad didn't care, and his fears were soothed.

       He didn't realize he was in his room until he found himself staring at the rope that would bring his end. He almost felt a rush at the thought of never being in this world again, and grabbed for the rope. He emptied his bag, then replaced the air with the rope. Connor sighed, debating whether or not he wanted to do something people would know him for finally. He decided against it, and walked back towards the front door. Turning for the town park, he thought about everything that could have been different, the happier life he could've had if he hadn't been such a fuck up, a freak.  _Freak._  It haunted him everywhere he went, it'd probably follow him to his grave. If they cared enough to put him one. Maybe they'd just burn him, then let his ashes fly far where they'd never be found.

       Connor made it to the park, searching foor a climbable tree. _I'll climb to the top, where I can see the sun, and I'll jump with the rope around my neck._ Sure, he could slip out, but he'd die either way, and that was the only goal. He didn't notice the sound of footsteps against the soft grass behind him as he climbed the tree. He only noticed when there was a tug on the rope and he looked down, seeing, oh god is he hallucinating now, because that can't be _them_. But it was _them_ , and oh fuck how is he going to to explain the rope? Connor noticed he'd been staring, and stuttered over his words, trying to figure out what any normal person would do in this situation. It was already too late, Jared and Evan were yelling questions at him about the note, questioning his situation and what he was doing with that rope, why is he climbing the tree, what is he doing? Connor came to the realization that this wouldn't look good no matter how he put it, and eventually gave up. He dropped the rope, and climbed down the tree.

       He gave out a shaky sigh, trying to steady himself and give off his usual intimidating, angry aura. This time, it wasn't working, and for once he felt vulnerable. _'Just call me a fucking freak already, I know you want to.'_ Because that's all he is, right? The emo freak that nobody likes. Why couldn't things be different, why did he have to be such a good for nothing piece of-  
He was interrupted, realized he spoke out loud. His breathing hitched, and didn't continue. Connor stared numbly at the grass that swayed beneath him. It felt like he'd been staring at it forever when Evan asked him, again, what the rope was for. Connor let out the breath he tried not to continue, and slowly began to explain. He could just end it later tonight.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan flees the scene, and Connor plus Jared is not a good mix.

       To try and say Evan had reacted well to Connor's explanation was... definitely not the truth. Jared didn't have much of reaction, but Connor could sense him trying not to make a comment about how only a freak emo would do that. By the end of it all, about half an hour had passed and he had never cried so hard in front of people in his life. An uncomfortable silence rested over the trio, never seeming to want to leave.

       A sigh escaped someone's lips, or maybe it was just the wind, but it still made the boys wonder who had broken the quiet. Evan looked up, glancing between   
Jared and Connor. With wide eyes full of worry, he realized how dark it had become, how late it was. He grabbed his phone, checking the time.  
 _8:15 PM. 2 new messages from 💖Mom💖._  
 _He'd been there for three hours._ He awkwardly cleared his throat, and spoke. "Hey, uh, I-I kinda, have to go now? Yeah. My mom, uhm, she'll probably be worried- so, uh. Jared can- uh, if you want, I mean!- give you my number." Glancing awkwardly between the two, Evan's face lifted into an apologetic smile. He picked at his cast, before quickly shouting, "Okay bye I'll see you guys tomorrow maybe!" in one breath. He darted off towards the park entrance, fading into the darkness of night.

       Jared and Connor stared down his trail, long after he disappeared. A sigh as silent as night escaped Connor's lips. They sat in a cold quiet for what was probably only 5 minutes (but still felt like longer), and Jared huffed the serenity away (as if his mere existence was anything serene in the first place). He gave Connor a brow raise and a smirk, as if to say "you want his number, don't you?" Jared pulled out his phone, that same stupid, cocky, knowing grin on his face. "Ah, acorn! Do you want me to read it out or do you want to type it yourself?" Connor cocked his head at the word "acorn", taking Jared's phone after a second of confusion.

       Connor's fingers mashed into the screen in a somewhat graceful way, putting Evan's number into his phone. He put about a second's worth of thought into Evan's contact name, before typing "tree boy" and saving it. Jared snorted, "'tree boy'? _Really?_ You barely even gave that a second thought, I'm-" He cut himself off after Connor gave a warning glance.

       Sitting down and propping himself up against a tree, Connor jerked his head to try and get the hair out of his face before playing with the rope. He itched to feel it press against his neck, suffocating him while his body fought to maintain air. He wrapped a hand around his neck, pressing down and trying to get the same feeling. He heaved a sigh, putting more pressure before Jared started turning his curious glances into (concerned?) stares.

 _'Just my fucking luck, huh?'_ He removed his hands, instead opting to squeeze his arms in his lap. "The fuck are you doing, Murphy?" Jared's voice echoed around his skull before he worked up an answer that seemed good enough.   
"I'm trying to keep myself awake." Okay, maybe it wasn't very good, but hey. Jared wouldn't pry, right?  
"But you don't look or sound tired. And wouldn't you just stand up and stretch or something if you wanted to stay awake?" His voice rose the more he asked the question, but whether it was in accusaton or confusion was out of Connor's guess.  
 _Well, shit._ He tried to form a valid answer to what he was starting to think was accusation, but he couldn't fit more than two words together before hearing some snarky response from Hypothetical Jared.

       "Well, people don't have to look or sound tired to be tired," Hypothetical Connor tried. "Yeah, but they'd also say, 'hey, y'know, I'm kinda tired!' rather than choking themselves," Hypothetical Jared smirked, the look on his face practically screaming "I basically have you at gunpoint, you can't save yourself from this shit hole."  
Connor groaned, he wasn't going to win, was he? Running a hand through his hair, he gave a deep sigh that feigned annoyance. He decided he'd just try dodging whatever Jared gave him, and finally responded, "Shouldn't you be going home?"

       Jared snorted, "As long as I'm home before my parents, everything's pretty fuckin' good. Hm? What about you, Spencer's?" His brow rose, and Connor could fucking feel the smug expression just radiating off of him. His glasses even seemed to glint, and Connor realized that Jared was that kind of kid. Connor stared him down, trying to put as much anger as he could into it. But that was kind of hard when he knows he's losing, and it'd be better to just go home and let Jared's ego inflate.  
Actually, no, it'd be better to show Jared where he stands.  
Scowling, he rose up. He opened his mouth, trying to find his words. "You know," he began. Jared followerd suit, only reaching up to Connor's chest. Connor held back a sarcastic laugh, and kept talking. "I was wondering why Evan likes you. But, now that I piece it together, I realize he only hangs out with you because you're all he's got. Besides, aren't you only using him for fucking car insurance? That's pretty low, Kleinman, and that's coming from the depressed pothead who you saw try to kill himself earlier." Connor snorted, watching Jared's face melt into hurt before he put up another fake wall that was bound to crumble.  
"Well, at least he isn't fucking scared of me. At least I have shit to live for, and people who love me and want me around. Sure sounds like the polar opposite of someone in front of me, doesn't it?" Jared's face reddened slightly, anger replaced his blood. If Connor wants to fight, then he's not going to be the only one getting his insecurities jabbed at.  
"When was the last time someone ever told you they loved you, or even asked to hang out? When's the last time anybody ever said," the muscles in Connor's face pulled his features into a mocking care, "'Hey, Kleinman, you're pretty cool, can we be friends?' You can't count Evan, either, because you're only family friends." Connor put extra emphasis on "family friends" and followed it with a snort.  
"Take a look at your own life, Connor, and tell me just how well things must be going for you if you're really trying to do-" Jared wildly gestured between Connor and himself, "- _this_! I mean, come _on_ , can you really say I'm bad when you're picking fights with someone at fucking 9:24 PM?" Jared studied Connor's face, desperate for any hint that he might be winning. But Connor seemed to have shut down his emotions - _wow, Jared wished he could do that_ \- and Jared made no impact at all, not the slightest.  
Connor only felt anger and everything was red, and the only thing that should be red right now is Jared's nose after he gets a nice punch delivered right to it. Stepping forward, he took long and quick strides, focusing all of his strength into his arm, right before-  
 _"STOP!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating for so long !!! skools a bitch D: ch 3 is In The Works(tm), i may or may not finish by tmrw ! hope u enjoyed uwu


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the Connor V.S. Jared fight.

      _"STOP!"_ Came a screech, so high and desperate it sounded like the person's vocal chords might've almost been ripped. Connor followed the voice's instructions, whipping around to try and see what was going on, why someone had interrupted him. All he could see were bright headlights directed towards Jared and him, and a black figure in front of them. Studying the figure, he squinted, and noticed a bulky... thing on the figure's right arm. _Evan_ , he thought, and his assumptions were confirmed when the person yelled to them.  
"Stop, just, please stop, you don't, fighting isn't-" Evan stopped, he was gasping, like he'd been stabbed. Jared was a flurry of motion to Connor's side, bolting to Evan like he was a sort of safe-haven from some axe murderer. Connor watched Jared and Evan grab for each other, cling, grip at the other's shirt like they were seperated lovers after a war, just glad that happy endings were true. They let go after some time, and judging from their movements, were discussing what went down.

       Connor, unsure of what to do, slowly started making his way around the headlights and car, hoping that a string of luck would turn up and he'd get home without having to deal with explaining. The string showed up, and he grabbed it, continuing to escape faster and faster. But there must've been a flame at the end, because as soon as he stepped foot onto the road, a truck just barely missed him. The horns on the vehicle shouted at him, the swerve giving a powerful, ear-piercing screech. By the time the ringing in his ears had faded enough to give some hearing ability, there was already the harsh _thump!_ of someone racing over. _But why? Nobody who cares about him is here._ Turning in a confused state for the second time that night, he stared at Evan's figure darting to him, arms reaching out the closer he got.

       "Oh, god, Connor are you okay, why did you and Jared fight, why'd you try killing him..." The rest of Evan's panicked words flew soundlessly out of his mouth. _Killing him? Killing who?_ Connor didn't try to kill anybody. He wouldn't get that low. Was Jared trying to do something? _Oh, that motherfucker-_

       "Ca-calm down, ple-please," Evan tried. At this point, he probably sounded like a malfunctioning record player, and maybe he should just shut up. But whatever he did, whatever had come through his voice, it slipped into Connor and seemed to have the desired effect Evan had hoped for.

       Connor unclenched his hands, _did he really get worked up that fast?_ , and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. His posture fell from its stiff, straight figure, to a slumped and worn-out type. Glancing at Evan, he hoped that he managed to somehow convey through his eyes that he was sorry for this whole mess, and began to trot away. Nobody stopped him, and he wasn't sure on how he felt about that, but at least his parents wouldn't scream at him for being out too late and bring a "friend" home. Or maybe Cynthia would fake her happiness about, "My baby is making friends! I knew you could do it!" or something along those lines. And, after he explained, "No, he just followed me home because of something from earlier," she'd probably try to deny it, and make him look like he's finally a perfect puzzle piece to a perfect puzzle. Like he wasn't a worn piece with a corner bent and some of the sticker tearing off, that couldn't fit right anymore.

       He let go of the thoughts, deciding to focus on how stupid he was for having not driven here instead. Here he was, stuck using his phone flashlight and his memory to guide him home. Neither were better than the other, or even good at all, but it's the effort that counts, right?

       The tapping of his feet against the concrete, and the soft whistle of the tiny breeze cooled him down, and by the time he was home, he was damn near ready to sleep. Preparing for whatever his dad would use against him this time, he sucked in a breath and swung the door open, stepping through. When nothing happened, he wondered if his dad was just drunk, passed out, or gone. But he heard muttering, and realized he was better off just sneaking to his room and pretending to sleep than listening in.

       Arriving to his room, he heaved a sigh of relief, and quickly flopped down onto his bed. He kicked his shoes off to some corner of the room, and realized he had forgotten his bag. _Oh well, it wasn't like he gave a fuck about school, so it wasn't a big deal._ He dozed off, exhausted from the events of that evening and night, and his slumber was peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if its short;; im going to try to update this weekly, maybe bi-weekly due to skool ooflsdkjfg but !!! hoped this was good adkfj i know its short ill write more than this next chapter i swear. if i ddont you have every right to kill me lmao

**Author's Note:**

> i had to rewrite the evan-freaks-out-after-the-letter scene so many times cuz it just never felt right  
> also connor miiiiiight be lowkey ooc :/ i like to think he's more emotional when he's alone ah w/e hoped it was still enjoyable


End file.
